The Best University Application Ever?

August 9, 2013

Amusing Stuff

Application form

Now and again I come across something so “off the wall” and esoteric that I’m never quite sure what to do with it. As a life-long fan of Monty Python, this appealed to my quirky sense of humour, so I thought I’d share it for the benefit of anyone else who thinks trivia adds meaning to life.

This is (allegedly)  a genuine application from a student for a course at  Southampton University. I’ve reproduced this exactly as the original I received, since I think the sentence and paragraph structures add to the overall impact.

Interestingly, they (allegedly) gave him a place on the course.

3A ESSAY: In order for the admissions staff of our university to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question:

Q: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realised, that have helped to define you as a person?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees, I write award-winning operas, and mange time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and god-like trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook thirty-minutes Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I had trials with Manchester United, I am the subject of numerous documentaries.

When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang-gliding. On Wednesday’s, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.

Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have appeared on ‘Though The Keyhole’ and won a gold plaque. Last summer I toured Eastern Europe with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration. I run the 100meters in 9.65 seconds. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.

Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert missions for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down.

I have made extraordinary four course meals using only some vegetables and a Breville Toaster. I breed prize-winning clams.

I have won bullfights in Madrid, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and chess competitions at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to this University.

Maybe a few tips here for your CV?!

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About Stephen Dale

Stephen is Director and founder of Collabor8now Ltd, (http://collabor8now.com) an organization focussed on developing collaborative environments (e.g. Communities of Practice) and the integration of knowledge management tools and processes to support business improvement. He is a certified knowledge manager with the Knowledge Management Institute (KMI) and the author of several published research papers on collaborative behaviours, knowledge management and information technology.

View all posts by Stephen Dale

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