Actual quotes taken from employee performance appraisals

August 7, 2017

Amusing Stuff

Performance Appraisal CartoonAs a manager, I’ve had to do my fair share of performance appraisals, which (as I’m sure the employees also found) was a pretty tedious and meaningless experience. Fortunately I left all of that behind me when I left Reuters in 1999, my last full-time employer before striking out as an independent consultant (now semi-retired). On reflection, I was fortunate to have some excellent people in the teams I managed, but I still remember the occasional miss-fit. I can’t take any credit for these appraisal comments, but I wish I’d had them to hand for one or two of the interviews I managed. Enjoy!

  • “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
  • “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
  • “This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”
  • “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
  • “When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet.”
  • “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
  • “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
  • “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
  • “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
  • “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”
  • “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”
  • “A gross ignoramus —144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
  • “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
  • “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
  • “He’s been working with glue too much.”
  • “He would argue with a signpost.”
  • “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
  • “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
  • “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”
  • “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
  • “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”
  • “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
  • “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
  • “He’s got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it”
  • “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
  • “If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
  • “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”
  • “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”
  • “One neuron short of a synapse.”
  • “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”
  • “Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.”
  • “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

,

About Stephen Dale

Stephen is Director and founder of Collabor8now Ltd, (http://collabor8now.com) an organization focussed on developing collaborative environments (e.g. Communities of Practice) and the integration of knowledge management tools and processes to support business improvement. He is a certified knowledge manager with the Knowledge Management Institute (KMI) and the author of several published research papers on collaborative behaviours, knowledge management and information technology.

View all posts by Stephen Dale

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply