Actual quotes taken from employee performance appraisals

August 7, 2017

Amusing Stuff

Performance Appraisal CartoonAs a manager, I’ve had to do my fair share of performance appraisals, which (as I’m sure the employees also found) was a pretty tedious and meaningless experience. Fortunately I left all of that behind me when I left Reuters in 1999, my last full-time employer before striking out as an independent consultant (now semi-retired). On reflection, I was fortunate to have some excellent people in the teams I managed, but I still remember the occasional miss-fit. I can’t take any credit for these appraisal comments, but I wish I’d had them to hand for one or two of the interviews I managed. Enjoy!

  • “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
  • “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
  • “This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”
  • “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
  • “When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet.”
  • “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
  • “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
  • “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
  • “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
  • “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”
  • “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”
  • “A gross ignoramus —144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
  • “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
  • “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
  • “He’s been working with glue too much.”
  • “He would argue with a signpost.”
  • “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
  • “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
  • “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”
  • “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
  • “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”
  • “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
  • “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
  • “He’s got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it”
  • “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
  • “If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
  • “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”
  • “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”
  • “One neuron short of a synapse.”
  • “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”
  • “Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.”
  • “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

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